Writing Battles: Who Wears the Pants

The second writing battle I took part in during October was a 2000 word Autumn Short Story Battle. This one is peer-reviewed, meaning I got to also judge various battles across different genres.

I was excited to write a Heist, though a 2000 word limit does pose of serious limitation. It has to be an engaging theft, but not too complicated because you have very limited space for set-up. This is the first time I re-rolled one of my prompts as well. The first time I got "settlement" as a location, but it was such a broad setting I was having a hard time narrowing my focus for the story.

My next roll got me role-playing festival, which immediately pointed me in a comedic direction. I took a more... crass approach to the humour than I usually do and had a lot of fun doing it. I hope the main character reads as potently and obnoxiously as I imagined him to be.

Sadly the results of this battle didn't favour any better than the last one, though I'm not as surprised this time. I got an 'honourable mention' for winning 6 out of the 10 battles, but it sadly wasn't enough to propel be past the first round of peer judging compared to those who scored 7–10.

Nonetheless I had fun with this one and I hope you do too reading it.

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Who Wears the Pants

No one should have to commit a crime with a wedgie, but Bradley’s tights refused to stay out of his asscrack. It was a miracle his balls weren’t more pinched given how high-waisted the puffed-out velvet shorts were. And the elastics that kept them secured at his thighs threatened to cut off his blood circulation. Even if they were crucial to his plan, that didn’t mean he had to like them.

Really the doublet was the greatest offender with how tightly it squeezed his ribs. He would never admit that he should have gotten a larger size. At least it made his waist look snatched, even if the red velour made his skin look even more ghostly than usual.

“Will you stop obsessing with the mirror,” Penny snapped. Her glare was as intense as the bright purple of her velvet floor-length gown. She threw her hands out in a circle to free them from the billowing sleeves just so she could cross her arms. “There are more important things at hand than your reflection.”

“A great actor should always look good,” he argued, turning away from the mirror with a final glance at his golden lined ensemble to look at his co-star.

Penny gave him an incredulous look. “Remind me why you took this role?”

He hadn’t told her, nor was it any of her business. “And what a role that is,” he said instead, turning his attention to the curtains that shielded the side of the stage. He pushed the red cotton aside – the festival didn’t even have enough budget for proper velvet curtains, rude –and peaked out at the audience beyond the wooden stage.

An audience full of stronger characters than anyone backstage filled the log benches lined up on the grass. He had never been to a role-playing festival before, and its patrons were diverse in their interpretation of the theme Renaissance. “Is that a medieval Sherlock Holmes?”

“Focus Bradley.”

He glanced back at Penny. She was wrestling with her brown curls, which were having trouble staying in the up do atop her head. Her fidgeting shook the golden necklace that rested against her collarbone, its egg-sized ruby winking at Bradley under the sunlight that was their only source of lighting in the open-air theatre.

Unlike the curtains or the stage or even most of the actors, the necklace was the real deal. It was a partnership between the festival and the local museum, who had loaned out the piece to add authenticity to the costume and promote their upcoming featured exhibit. It was also why there was a bored-looking security guard lingering backstage with them.

But Penny was proving to be more of a nuisance than the guard. “Are you sure you’re ready?”

Bradley rolled his eyes. “Oh yes, I’m so worried. How will I ever remember all five of my lines?”

In addition to taking herself too seriously, Penny evidently didn’t have a sense of humour. “Some of us actually want to collect our paycheque.”

“I’m not the performer you need to worry about.” Bradley gestured across the stage to the other wing where Todd, the twenty-something year old who was playing the role of scout, was pacing back and forth mumbling to himself. “And he has one line.”

Penny was about to pinch her nose, but then seemed to remember how many layers of makeup it took to make her brown skin look so bronze and stopped herself. “And after he enters shouting about the great pirate’s assault on the castle, what do you do?”

“Draw my sword, fight off the pirate trying to steal your jewels, and then bask in the glorious applause for my wondrous noble deed.”

“Do you even know how to use a sword?”

Bradley frowned. What was this woman’s deal? “I’m sure I can manage a plastic one.”

“Really? Because I looked you up when they sent me the cast list and couldn’t find any credits for you. How did you hear about this gig if you’re not even in the union?” She placed a hand on her popped hip, though it didn’t change her shape much with all the drapery of her dress.

Penny needed to get a life, Bradley concluded. If she had her own business to mind then she would butt out of his. “So because I’m an amateur you think it’s okay to belittle me? That’s real professional.”

Her nose scrunched in annoyance. “That’s not what I meant.”

Bradley had thought Todd was going to be the most challenging piece of his plan, but if Penny was this nosy it was going to make stealing the necklace off her neck more challenging. He put on his best hurt expression and looked away, just far enough to seem like he was trying to hide it.

“Bradley, I’m sorry,” Penny said, more frustrated than apologetic. “I just really need this paycheque, okay? And you’re not exactly taking this seriously.”

The whopping five hundred dollars they were promised for the weekend. Bradley gave Penny an encouraging smile. “Really Penny, there’s nothing to worry about. Just be sure to hit your mark and it will all work out.” He was telling himself that more than anything else.

The call for places came a second later. Penny and Bradley got into position, with the ‘queen’ ready to walk out on stage first and Bradley as her loyal guard close behind. Bradley placed a hand on Penny’s shoulders. “It’ll work out.” And he loosened the hook on the necklace as he said it.

To her credit, Penny did try to smile. “Break a leg.”

Bradley caught Todd’s gaze from the other side of the stage. He was wringing his hands together. Bradley would probably be nervous too had he been told there was a last-minute change to the blocking. Now all Todd had to do was exactly what Bradley had told him, and he would be the unknowing accomplice to one of the greatest jewel thieves of all time.

Penny floated onto the stage with her head held high. It really did look like she was floating with her movements obscured by the flowliness of the dress. She addressed the audience in a surprisingly convincing British accent. Bradley was admittedly impressed. It must be Penny’s stingy attitude that kept her in community theatre.

Bradley stepped out on his cue and bowed with a grand flourish of his hand. Penny gave him a gloved hand which he kissed, trying to resist the urge to lift her dainty silver bracelet while he did. Then Todd entered.

Their scout was all limbs as he came sprinting onto the stage screaming about the deadly pirate captain who had just breached their castle walls to steal from the queen. And then, with full gusto, Todd ran straight into Penny. He practically tackled her to the floor, beautifully executed just as Bradley had planned.

Penny shrieked as Todd struggled to get off her, his limbs getting tangled in the excessive drapery of the dress. Bradley swooped in, pulling Todd to the side before helping Penny to her feet. With his back to the audience and the excitement of the distraction, Bradley easily slipped the necklace off Penny's shoulder as he held her steady, and stashed the necklace in his pants.

The elastics around his thighs created a makeshift satchel, holding the necklace safely against his leg. He’d have to give it a polish later, but Bradley was all smiles as he stepped away from Penny, who was now steady on her feet. With their queen and scout wonderfully flustered and the show on a strict time count, the pirate actor Navin had to come in before everyone had settled down.

Bradley jumped into action, keeping the excitement going as he drew his plastic sword to battle Navin. He had a genuinely good time thwacking Navin back off the stage with the stupid toy, all too giddy with having lifted the necklace so flawlessly with none the wiser.

Once their pretend foe was vanquished Bradley returned centre stage to join a very angry Penny. “You are safe, M’lady.” He bowed and then turned to the audience. “And let that be a warning to all who dare stand against our great throne. Long live the queen!”

The crowd cheered in response to which Bradley took a moment to soak in the sound. In another life, under different circumstances, he would have made an excellent actor. Todd and Navin came to stand at his side, and they took their bow to the already thinning crowd, who were moving onto the next festival activity.

Bradley hardly cared. Next in the schedule was their break, so he just had to scurry off before anyone thought the necklace had been stolen. His next distraction should start momentarily, once Penny realized the necklace had fallen off her chest.

But as Bradley turned toward the back of the stage, Penny was not looking around in a panic. She hadn’t even raised the alarm. Instead, she was smiling. She shook the sleeves back and gave him three slow claps. “That was quite impressive, Bradley. You even had me almost convinced.”

Bradley forced a smile through the strange tone-shift on the stage. “See, nothing to worry about. Break time, yeah?” He made to exit stage right but the portly security guard stepped in his face. Bradley’s heart leapt into his throat, and he gave the guard a tilted look. “Other way, mate.”

“Notice how I said, almost,” Penny cut in, standing shoulder to shoulder with the guard. “But you made a few small mistakes along the way.”

“I didn’t miss a single line, thank you very much,” Bradley argued, looking between the guard to Penny, to the other actors to share a confused shrug.

Penny’s smile didn’t waver as she pointed to his pants. “You know the costumes are all provided by the festival to ensure cohesion amongst the players on staff. Yet you came with your own special outfit. Isn’t that right?”

“First you insult my amateur acting and now you’re insulting my choice of wardrobe.” He placed a hand to his chest. How the hell could she have known that was beyond him? Lucky guess, probably. He just had to make it off stage. “I'm very particular about my look, you know.”

Penny laughed. The sound was bubbly, so much fuller than her strict and stern persona before the performance. “The thing is Bradley, it's those little things that draw attention to yourself. That, and the odd little bugle making the side of your pants sag right now.”

He followed her point and sure enough, now that he was standing still, there was a distinctive sag in the poof on the right side of his pants. Heat burned his cheeks as his heart rate kicked up.

With a wicked smile Penny approached Bradley and slapped a cold metal circle around his wrist. Where the hell had she been hiding handcuffs? “Did you really think the museum would trust a regular actor to wear such an expensive piece of history?” As she pulled his arm behind him and grabbed his other wrist, Bradley’s brain finally started to work again. “How-how did you know?”

“We didn’t for certain, but we did know that if anyone wanted to steal the ruby necklace now would be their prime opportunity. So we put out the bait and waited to see what fish we caught.” With a strong hand she pushed him to the side of the stage, guiding him toward the exit to the scattered applause of the lingering festival goers who had lingered and caught the real action. “Who’s the great actor now?”